Sharing Breast Cancer Diagnosis with Young Children | Breast ...

Jun 18, 2013 | Posted by BCS

A children?s book was the icebreaker Michelle Mu?oz needed to explain to her four-year-old twin boys last May that she had breast cancer.

?Mom Has Cancer, by Jennifer Moore-Mallinos, introduced the tough subject of cancer to them,? she says. ?After that I had a dialogue with them, reassuring them I would be okay, explaining that I would have surgery, but that I might not be able to play for awhile.???

She also took the advice of social workers at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute, who encouraged her to bring the boys to the hospital in advance ? ?where Mommy would be staying and the doctors would take care of her.? The boys also attended medical appointments and visited the hospital?s Friends? Place, a store filled with wigs, compression garments, breast prostheses, bandanas and scarves.

Over the past year, she says the dialogue with her sons has expanded. ?Initially I was very scared. I would lock my bedroom and bathroom door because I didn?t want them to see me after my mastectomy or to know that I was feeling as bad as I was.?

Now, she says, she?s been even more open with her children as they ask additional questions; when they asked to see her scars recently, she allowed them. ?If I hide things, it makes them more afraid and insecure,? she says. ?As long as I?m open and honest ? refraining from some of the grisly details that would shake their world ? it helps them.?

And always, she says, positivity is the key. ?My tone of delivery affects their reactions. If I give a positive outlook ? and am not grim and down ? they don?t get scared.? She?s not sugarcoating anything, she insists. When things hurt, which they do after five surgeries and the loss of arm function, she tells them. She explains next medical steps. She tells them ?I can?t right now, but I?m getting better every day. I?m getting stronger. Now I can pick you up for two seconds. Now you can sit on Mommy?s lap and lean on her. See how much better Mommy?s getting.?

Author and cancer survivor Wendy Harpham, M.D., says Mu?oz?s approach is spot-on. ?How you sound is as important as what words you choose. If you appear confident of being able to deal with your illness and help your children ? even if you shed a few tears ? they will feel comforted. If you get uncontrollably upset when talking about cancer, your children will benefit from having someone else share news with them.?

Harpham offers the following tips for speaking with young children, as adapted from her book, When a Parent Has Cancer: A Guide to Caring for Your Children:

• Always tell the truth, couched in love and support, e.g., ?I have an illness called cancer. My doctors are giving me strong medicine that we all hope will get rid of it, even if it takes a long time. I can handle this and get through this; I will help you deal with it, too.?
• Keep explanations simple and use the word ?cancer.? Use language appropriate for the child?s age, maturity and past experiences.
• Teach your children that cancer is not contagious, e.g., ?It?s like Tommy?s broken leg or Grandma?s arthritis.?
• Reassure them that nothing they ever said, thought, felt or did caused you to develop cancer or can cause you to be sick.
• Reassure them that they will be cared for.
• Explain why you may look sad, to keep their imaginations from conjuring a worse scenario, e.g., ?I?m crying because I?m sad about having to lose my hair/stop working/etc. But I?ll only feel sad a short while as I adjust. And it?s worth it to get better.?
• If the prognosis is good, emphasize it. ??Most people with my type of cancer end up healthy after treatment.?
• If the prognosis is not good, emphasize that you are okay right now and you?ll keep them informed.? ?
• Keep your two main missions in mind: (1) To build trust and (2) To help your children deal with the changes and losses in their world due to your illness.

?If you reach out to your doctors and tell them you need something ? including support about talking with your kids,? says Mu?oz, ?they will guide you in the right direction. You just have to ask.?

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Source: http://www.breastcancersociety.org/2013/06/sharing-breast-cancer-diagnosis-with-young-children/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=sharing-breast-cancer-diagnosis-with-young-children

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