Dogs, Cats and the Zombie Virus ? Dr Ernie Ward | America's Pet ...

What Every Pet Parent Needs to Know about the Zombie Virus

Dr. Ernie Ward is considered to be a somewhat zombie expert as he is both a veterinarian and veteran of every zombie book he?s ever read. He?s also watched a bunch of zombie movies and doesn?t miss ?The Walking Dead.? He dislikes marshmallows.

When the future zombie apocalypse arrives, many people may forget to examine their furry family members for signs of infection. This can prove to be an eternally deadly mistake for millions of US families. It?s important to familiarize yourself with the signs of zombie viral infection in pets along with risk factors and potential treatments before doomsday strikes. This information is meant only as general speculative guide as no one fully understands how the definitive zombie virus will behave, be transmitted, or its pathophysiology. Remember, when the first reports of zombification begin, take action immediately. Don?t be that guy in all the disaster films that ridiculed and ignored the early warnings. He?s always the first to go.

Zombie Virus Risk Factors for Dogs and Cats

It?s generally accepted within the secret scientific zombie research community that most mammals are susceptible to the zombie virus. Viral amplification appears to require living red-blood cells (RBC) as a source of energy and mode of transportation. Besides, blood is much scarier than immune cells you can?t see. Current scientific studies speculate that the zombie virus inserts itself inside mammalian RBC DNA to begin replication. If not RBC DNA, it will be another acronym that sounds scientifically cool and way above the average infected?s head. Once a critical mass is achieved within the infected RBC, the cell wall is destroyed, freeing the virus to contaminate other RBC?s. Eventually the zombie virus passes through the blood-brain barrier and begins an additional transformation within neural tissues. The specifics of this neurotransformation have yet to be understood. Expect lots of other made-up, big, medical-sounding words on the news that will confuse you but make the newscaster appear intelligent. Speaking of intelligence, what about cats?

Cats are currently believed to be somewhat resistant to the zombie virus. Canine neurobiologists theorize this is due to the cat?s relatively smaller brain mass and limited intelligence. Feline experts counter that a cat?s unique evolution has progressed beyond what humans can comprehend and that the feline has developed sophisticated neuroprotective mechanisms for just such an apocalypse. If this is found to be true, cats may indeed one day rule the earth. Or once again rule the earth. The fossil record is unclear on this point.

Risk factors for zombie virus infection in dogs and cats include, but are not limited to: kissing your dog or cat post-infection, exposure to open or bleeding wounds, feeding on recently deceased zombies, and participation in top-secret government research projects offered to struggling college students to pay for football game trips. Labrador retrievers are thought to be at particularly high risk for zombie virus infection due to their penchant for eating anything and everything. Any Labrador retriever that escapes unattended during a zombie virus outbreak should be considered exposed.

Common Clinical Signs of Zombie Virus Infection in Dogs and Cats

Due to the wide variety of reported normal behaviors in the various breeds of dogs and cats, early recognition of zombie virus infection may be challenging for pet owners and veterinary healthcare providers. For example, many pugs, Yorkshire terriers, Shih tzus, and English bulldogs exhibit what may be generally associated with typical zombie dog behaviors. These breeds tend to appear sluggish, slow to rise from a laying posture, respond poorly to verbal or gestural commands, vigorously pursue food at a moment?s notice, and often mimic dead or nearly-dead dogs in general. Other breeds, especially overweight and obese dogs and cats, can also confound pet owners with their extreme inactivity that may resemble zombie animals.

Common clinical signs of zombified dogs and cats include:

• Sluggish walking, often dragging two or more legs (Note: many dachshunds, bulldogs, older German shepherds, and obese animals exempted)
• Empty, dull, or vacant appearance to eyes (Note: exceptions include all cats that normally display this type of gaze when asked to perform a command)
• Excessive salivation (Note: Boxers, bulldogs, mastiffs, blood hounds, and other long-jowled breeds cannot be distinguished on this criteria)
• Moaning, low-tone vocalizations (Note: beagles, hound dogs, huskies may normally vocalize in this manner making infection recognition challenging)
• Dead, decaying, foul-smelling flesh (Note: wet Labrador and Golden retrievers may present with similar smells)
• Missing body parts (Note: it is not uncommon to observe healthy dogs and cats with three or fewer legs. Be sure to check for signs consistent with tearing off of limb as opposed to surgical amputation.)

Please note that most infected animals will not give a last gasp or pass on final words of wisdom as portrayed in zombie movies. There is often no time for you to hold and stroke them gently in your lap as they slip into zombie slumber. Most dogs and cats will transform into the zombie state very quickly, generally within ten seconds to three minutes post-infection. Say a very (very) quick good-bye and then proceed with neurodestruction.

What to Do if your Pet Becomes a Zombie

There is currently no treatment for the zombie virus. Infection rates are estimated to be 99.4% in mammals with cats estimated to be 10.2% to 99.1%. The wide range reported for cats is due to research scientists being unable to agree when a cat is truly infected with the zombie virus as opposed to uninfected control subjects.

Experimental treatment with the antipicornavirus drug WIN 51711 has demonstrated limited success in animals treated prior to passage of zombie virus beyond the blood-brain barrier. Ongoing clinical investigation is necessary to determine whether or not WIN 51711 will prove a viable treatment option for infected animals. Until then, good luck.

If you suspect your pet has become infected with the zombie virus, you must act quickly. Here are some tips to effectively deal with a zombie pet:

• This is not your beloved furry family member. It is a zombie. Zombies are bad. Zombies can kill you. Even cute, cuddly, fuzzy zombies. You must kill the zombie before it kills you. That?s all.
• Go for the head or the end opposite the tail. That?s where the brain is. Destroy the brain; destroy the zombie.
• Cats have smaller brains and require a higher degree of accuracy. Some cats may have such small brains they may prove almost impossible to kill. This information is shared from a prominent canine anatomist.
• Dogs may have larger brains than cats but only a minor fraction of their gray matter may be functional, requiring extensive damage to the cranium to kill the zombie dog. This latest advice is from a prominent feline neurologist.
• Keeping a zombie pet on a leash is never a good idea. Even head halters can fail resulting in your demise and transformation into a forever zombie. It?s simply not worth it. Put down the zombie leash. There are no forever homes for forever zombies.

In conclusion, the chances of you and your pet surviving a zombie apocalypse are slim to none. I know you envision yourself as the lone survivor ala Will Smith in ?I am Legend? or that skinny, fast dude from ?28 Days Later.? Not gonna happen, even if you?re a skinny and fast former rapper. Resign yourself to the fact that a real zombie apocalypse is nowhere as cool as the movies portray it. In fact, it?s the ultimate drag. There goes your 401k along with your canine.

Be safe, kill as many zombies as possible, and if you are infected with the zombie virus, remember one thing: ?Marshmallows.? Early studies reveal that zombies whose last thought is of a non-flesh eating idea are less aggressive, infect fewer research scientists, and ultimately seem more peaceful and content. Who doesn?t want a peaceful zombie eternity? Marshmallows. Think marshmallows.

Source: http://www.drernieward.com/dogs-cats-and-the-zombie-virus/

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